A Sunset Worth Stopping For

the sky alight

on fire

permeates my soul

to the core

brushes my face

with a touch of light

its beauty

intense uncaptured

even as I fulfill

the itch to try

to capture a piece

I fail miserably

and begin to cry

with the enormity

of the crushing colors of the sky

There is only One

Painter

who has a palette this rich.

Grasping for Definition

There is beauty in differences

no standard definition

fill in the bubble answer

for beautiful

so why oh why?

are we all trying so hard to measure up

to

something we can't even begin

to

define.

This is just something I thought of the other day, looking around at a lot of the girls and women in the world today, it is so sad how inadequate a lot of them feel. If we could all remember that we are all daughters of Heavenly Father, and will always be beautiful in His eyes, the world really would be a better place. And yes, there is importance in thinking "I am a daughter of God," but there is also a great importance in thinking, "Each and every person on this whole earth is a Child of God." If we could all remember that, there would be so much more love and light on this earth, and so much more happiness.

Just a little food for thought,

Miss M

Reception of Inception

So I just got done watching the movie Inception for the first time, and it literally blew my mind. It was quite the crazy movie watching experience. My face was permanently set in a puzzled expression the entire movie. I can’t really say if I completely enjoyed it or now, but I can say that it definitely made me think. The concept that our ideas define us is pretty deep. Our subconscious ideas not only define us, they also contain the most potential to be dangerous. If you think about it, our subconscious thoughts are our deepest and most hidden emotions, the things we are most scared of. These thoughts are the unknown, the scary unplanned, unknown area of our minds. The things buried in this unknown space in our minds have the greatest potential to help or hurt us.

For me, this is particularly true because I really do dislike the unknown. I love having a plan, and knowing exactly what is going to happen in my future. Because I hate the unknown, I cling to the comfortable. I hold tight to what I know because it is simple and easy, and well, happy. I am the kind of girl who orders the same thing on the menu every single time because I know I like it. Sure, the other choices might be more delicious, but I will never know because I stick with the menu option I already know. Clearly, this does not just apply to ordering food, it applies to how I decide a lot of things. Given the choice between the easy, comfortable option and the risky, potentially exciting option I will choose the former any day of the week. I would rather be content, happy, and a little boring all the time instead of trying to board an emotional roller coaster. I am definitely not a risk taker. Maybe that’s why I suck so bad at poker.

Anyways, this post sorta spiralled into complete randomness but that’s what I get for watching Inception. I am still waiting to hear a theory about that movie that makes sense to me.

Prior to Dreaming

image via here

Before the slumber
as my mind slips towards
unconscious,
bottled thoughts surface.

And when I retreat
to that place of peace,
all I can see is the beauty
of fulfilling my ideas.

But when I emerge
inhibitions return,
and I no longer allow myself
to dream.

Rainy Days

It's a thinking day. One of those rainy, grey days that pushes you to sit and reflect. And all of those thoughts brew, and sometimes steam. Like the mug of tea sitting on the counter.

And when all that steaming and brewing is done, I can just sit. Sit and realize.

Realize:

Some things are meant to be. But some are not.

Timing is everything.

If you don't jump, you can't fall.

A good friend is worth more than their weight in gold.

Thinking of you,

Miss M

It' mine.

It's always

relationship, evolving, dissolving

in a final crash

only left with the broken

pieces of a heart.

I want my whole heart.

It's mine.

So here's the game plan:

Let's be friends.

A friendship revolving is reliable.

Reliable.

Sure, there's no jumping--

less excitement, a lower risk quotient.

You might be fooled into thinking less fun.

Except guess what?

I am okay. Just myself. By myself.

And I still have my own whole heart.

Call Me Cryptic

I have stopped spinning, and started knowing. I am myself, without needing to define who I am exactly. I can be, I can exist without filling in the blank space left after the "I am...."

I gain my footing on solid ground even when the path in front of me is unclear. All I know is what is just in front of me, and that is all I need. Once in a while , I get distracted by the tall trees and sky above. But there is a time and a place to go climbing and reaching, and it is not now. It is enough only to exist from moment to moment, finding the right feeling for each point in time. And then, stitching together the little parts into the greater whole. A whole entire picture that is: Happiness, easy content, and a relaxed being.

Because the thing is: The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

Introspectively,

Miss M

The Gradual Disintegration of Disharmony

I fell apart,

empty pieces

scattered over the ground

No one--left

pick up.

abandoned.

perhaps they will crawl back to reality,

so wait. just waiting.

weighted down,

nothing moves:

at least

until

encouraging nudges

change the course,

like the earthy movement of a river

pushes gently

this microcosm of universe

back to:

Peace.

Even as I grasp
the elusive rythmn
of spoken words on the page
I cannot hold
the subtle poetry
of life
in my hands.

Reach for the Stars and....

I am really really terrible at describing cool things. On occasion, I happen to be descriptive but it only happens by chance. When I actively want to describe something, I have trouble finding the words. As it so happens, I just finished making this really cool wall mural for my apartment. I'll take a picture once I move in and put it up, but I wanted to share this quote that I wrote below the mural:

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-ever. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists.. it is real.. it is possible.. it's yours."

--Ayn Rand(Atlas Shrugged)

All you have to do is reach for it!

And another one that I like a lot:

"The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low and achieving our mark."

--Michelangelo

After all, we are sons and daughters of Heavenly Father, and as such we have infinite potential and power from Him. If we turn to him with the best we have, he will give us the best we are.

Because animals are people too.

That's right...only the best invention for Sprinkles ever. Pick yours up today, and begin taking your relationship with your pet to the next level. After all, your cat most likely cares about you more than your grown up children. Get one from Petco for the low price of $135.99, or check out any of your local pet stores. Your kitty deserves a walk in the park too.

Yep. I really did see a lady walking her cat in one of these on my street the other day. I pretty much died laughing before I was even in the house. Seriously? Seriously.

Dear Blogging World:

I write to you now, as I finally reflect on the absence of posts that these summer months have brought on. It is not that I have forgotten you, simply that I have currently stepped back into my own little cocoon. My home, family, the nearest and the dearest. The way the squirrels chase each other back and forth across the branches of the oak tree outside my bedroom window. Sunshine on my back and face, falling across my body like a warming caress. Deep breaths in and out, the serenity of the smell of earth through my head. Wisdom from my Babu, giggles from my favorite little one, smiles and kisses and love.

This is what I live for. What we all live for: Love.

To love and be loved. God is love. And that is our purpose: to return to our Father on High, and present him with the greatest stories of love we have the power to create now. The most beautiful, least selfish act in the world. This is my existence. My own: I am that I am. And this is what I send out into the world from my heart, because it can certainly carry a lot of love.

Create your own story, and make sure you include the important characters.

Joyfully yours,

Miss M

Here I sit still.

It made me
ache,
the monotony
of yesterdays tommorrows
blended together,
and then it hit me.
an 18-wheeler slamming the deer.
first,
nostalgia for green grass,
the rythmn of a ball
between my feet.
then,
the deepest longing,
Pure desire,
for that future dream.
Hurry Up!
and get here already.
But still the vision is clouded,
and I know not where I am going.
All I can say is:
There is always tommorrow.
And the beauty of yesterday
still sitting on my tongue.

A Long (and) Overdue Blog Post

A Long (and) Overdue Blog Post

I know, I know it has been waaay too long since I have posted. Pinky swear I will be better. I think it might be like what Caleb Barton says about blogging and having too much time. I am busy and lazy at the same time. Being home is….really have no word to fill in the blank there. What I do have is this:

Some reasons why I love being home:

1. Mom’s cooking: definitely tops the Cannon any day of the week, especially on the nights(like tonight) when we make our own magic cookie bars.

2. Family time: All the nights that we are laughing so hard that we forget why we are laughing. Making fun of each other to no end(BOOM! roasted) and making up more inside jokes. But I also enjoy the solemn moments that we have had these last couple weeks. These truly are my favorite people in the world.

3. My own bedroom: Yes. Yes of course I miss these girls. But that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy my own closet, my own bathroom, and my bed at home.

4. Baby Alexandria: Spending time with this girl is pretty much my new favorite pastime. She is currently the number one in my heart :) Who wouldn’t fall in love with this cutie?

5..5. Cardio kickboxing, Wii style: Victoria watch out! I am starting to do about 500 punches a day.

A couple of things I dislike about being home:

1. Boredom: I still have no job, no schoolwork, and no sports to play. I have got to get a job or I may just go insane with complete boredom. Maybe it’s like Jodes says in this post.

2. BYU Nostalgia: Verb-meaning to miss lots of friends from BYU and wishing one could just replay all the fun times we have had together. Especially missing this girl(though funny postcards from London make it a bit better) and times like this:

3. “The adjustment period:” This is my mom’s way of describing the arguments, sassiness, and general rudeness of my behavior, directed at various immediate family members. Apparently, I am not “adjusting” very well to living under someone else’s roof and rules.

Some new goals I have for this summer:

1. Reread the Book of Mormon, and read at least two conference talks a week.

2. Exercise 3-5 times per week, and eventually build up to running a couple of 5Ks.

3. Become a WWE wrestler. Sure, I might need a boob job and maybe a tummy tuck in a few years, but it will all be worth it for a couple minutes of fame and glory. Plus, who would dare to dispute the fact that I would be awesome at beating the Murphy* out of some girl.

*Murphy is an adequate substitution for a swear word.

Smiling through the Farewell

image via here

This is it.
the bittersweet ending
of goodbye,
leaves tears on my face,
warmth in my heart,
for the memories we felt.
the Truth may be
that we forget what we did
but we will always remember
the friends
we spent life's simple moments with.
the thing is:
life is not about grand gestures,
it's about little kindnesses.
To be perfectly honest:
I am not ready to let go.
And yet somehow I walk on.
step by step.
and manage to smile.

Looking for Ripples

image via here

I am ready. to jump. I am.
simply waiting,
for someone to hold my hand
as I look into the deep end.
Meanwhile,
I wade into the shallow end, splashing,
smiling.
but still waiting,
always glancing to the other side,
of the nearly endless mirror
wanting to see the little ripples
that this moment will create,
when he arrives.
For now,
I will smile. I will.

The Reality of Morning

photo via here

When I awoke
I cried
seeing that you
were already gone.
I missed
your breath
on my hair,
your gaze
on my face,
your touch
on my bare skin.
But when I left
the perfect warmth
of my bed,
I wondered,
If you had ever really been there?

Soul Mates!

found this here

I met my soul mate today. It was pretty awesome. Yup, I am officially in love. Okay, fine, so maybe I didn’t exactly meet him. He walked by my table at the library, and well, we didn’t really meet, but I definitely imagined us meeting and …wow! whew! I get outta breath just thinking about how perfect he was. If we end up getting married and after five years he starts getting ugly and mean, I am pretty sure I could still put up with him based on the memory of those first five years of absolute beauty. But instead of us actually meeting, I followed him with my eyes and seriously, seriously considered stalking him but figured it would be counterproductive to getting any studying for finals done. blah. Stupid schoolwork. Studying for biology may have just ruined my chances of ever meeting my soul mate.

Here are some of the best lines from one of my favorite movies:

Girl: Do you believe in fate?
Guy: No.
Girl: See neither do I! We were meant to be.

ahaha! But, seriously, if you wake up every day and say to yourself, "Today I could meet my soul mate." It is pretty good motivation to look your best everyday. Of course, there is the chance that this policy could back fire, because on the one day you look like crap you are going to meet him/her that day, at least that's what Victoria always tells me.

Family

Last weekend(Easter's) I was able to spend time with my family. I love them. I guess you never know what you got til it’s gone. I certainly have learned that saying the hard way this first year apart from them. There is no better place to be than with my family, no matter where we are or what we are doing, we have the most fun when we are together. As we were catching up, I was telling my mom about what great friends I have made here at BYU, and she asked me, “But are you yourself with them?”

I replied, “Of course I am.”

The thing is, I am myself, but there are still some inhibitions. Even amongst my best friends there still must be an element of social awareness that leaves us with a small, thin wall in a relationship. Some might refer to this as a “personal bubble” but it extends further than the concept of personal space to things such as what you say, what you do, and in general how you act. When I am with my best friends I say most of what I am thinking, I mean, obviously not every mundane thought but a lot of my thoughts. In my family, I hold back even less, keeping only the most private, or most mundane thoughts in my head and saying many stupid, harsh and sometimes inappropriate things. Maybe it is because I trust them to love me even when I am being a brat. Since I know that they will still be there for me no matter what I do, I end up being more bratty around them. So to answer the question, “Are you yourself?”

Yes I am. But I am a lot nicer version of myself around my friends. I can’t remember the last time I argued with someone. I hardly ever get angry. And I have learned that things get done whether they are done my way or not. Sometimes, I even go out of my way to make someone else’s day go better. Hopefully, I can hold onto some of this niceness as I return to my family for the summer. I’ll try to remember that my family, the people I love and adore the most, are the ones who deserve the most respect and kindness.

Here is a little shout out to them since I don't get to talk about them as often as I would like, maybe after reading this you will get a small glimpse into exactly why I love them all so much:

Dad-He is the rock of the family, the one who is always there, always listening, and always cares. Somehow, he knows exactly what to say, and how to say it to make you feel better. If you don't know him you could mistake him for quiet but he really is witty, funny, and just plain goofy(see picture). In addition to being a good listener, giving excellent advice, and having an awesome sense of humor, he is the best father and husband anyone could ask for and is one of the most Christlike people I know. This is somewhat ironic since he does not believe in Christ and is not Mormon like the rest of my (immediate) family. We like to call him a closet Mormon because he is so completely supportive that he is practically a member. He likes to say that Mormons don't have a monopoly on the nice people in the world. My dad is definitely proof of that.

Mom-The second half to the marriage that I most admire in the world. There is a quote from The Office that Pam says, "When you are a kid you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are gonna be right." My parents' kids(me and my sibs) are right because our parents are soulmates. I love my Mom. She is one of my best friends, and closest confidantes. I admire many of her qualities: her generosity of spirit, her outgoing nature, her resourcefulness, and (dare I say it) bluntness. My mom isn't afraid to speak her mind, or share her big heart. When she wants something done, she gets it done. If I can grow up to be half the person and mother she is, I will have accomplished a lot in this life.

Calen-My first brother, and one of the most mature 14(almost 15) year old boys that I know. I tell people all the time it seems like my brother grew up in a day. My mother often says that he came out of the womb and looked like a man. He towers over me not only in height, but in many other things as well, especially his conscientiousness. I am proud to be the older sister to such a worthy, righteous young man. Besides being super mature and also super smart(Calculus in 9th grade-for real!) he is also super funny and I like to say that he has a "sarcastic accent" because he is basically sarcastic all the time. Plus, he has the amazing talent of being able to quote almost the entirety of Nacho Libre, only one of the best movies of all time.

Alden-He's the one who was supposed a girl, but turned out too cute and wonderful to be disappointing in the least bit. His greatest ambition in life is to be a CEO with a blonde trophy wife(maybe someone who looks like this) and too many kids to fit into a Lamborghini. He is full of life and lights up every room he walks into, and like the rest of my family he is also super silly and we like to joke around a lot together. I think out of all of us siblings, he probably has some of the best people skills, and he really will do well in business.

Alena-She is my favorite sister. Really, she is everyone's favorite. As the youngest of the family, she has been privileged to be spoiled with loads of love and attention. Alena is so so beautiful, inside and out and I like to tell her this everyday, even when she get's annoyed by it. I waited so long for a sister, but wow! was she worth the wait. Around the dinner table, she is probably the quietest, but she definitely laughs at least as loud as the rest of us. Her sweetness, her cuddliness, and her sassiness all make her completely endearing to the whole family. Like all of my siblings she usually has her head stuck in some kind of fantasy book (usually with light bursting forth from an unknown source on the cover) like this one. I often feel that out of all of us, she has maintained that sweet, innocent spirit that we are given at birth; she really does have such a pure soul. I can't wait to get a million hugs from her when I get home in a couple of weeks.

I love you family! Hope you enjoy this post.

Many Hugs and Kisses,

Miss M

Squishy Shoes

image via here

Ballet flats
soaked through
wet jeans
rain spattered
sweatshirt
at least
when I run out crying
it will mask the tears that fall
down my stoic face.

A Daydream Deferred

Today
light as air
weightless
no care
for anything
do I dare?
to jump in—
but: Life’s not fair.
the second grade lesson
from trial and error,
Today it is easy,
so I smile
as if I am there.

The Power of Together

Hold my hand,
she said.
but I wanna run,
he said, Looking up.
We'll run together.
so they grabbed hands
and ran
faster farther
than either could have gone
alone.

Nightmares and Headaches

head pounding
mind hurting
stop.
the constant thinking
leaves me reeling
wait.
if stuff and junk
was clearer,
maybe I could
rest.

Lost for words.

Words that cannot
capture
this moment
that was yesterday.
lost on my tongue.
sunlight sitting in my hair
there We were
I closed my eyes.
It was too beautiful
to stare.
Warmth spread
through me
until I laughed
at the wonderment of it.
All of it.

More on Sunshine

What is it about Sunshine? When it's sunny I can't help but be happy. Everything is brighter and more beautiful. It definitely gives you endorphins to soak up some Vitamin D every day. And we all know endorphins make people happy, and happy people just don't kill their husbands(reference to Legally Blonde). If I could pick an afternoon to relive everyday over and over like Bill Murray does in Groundhog Day, this afternoon would definitely be in the top place for the one I would pick. I am not saying that it was my favorite day out of all the many days I have lived in my relatively short life, I am just saying it’s pretty dang difficult to find any flaws in this day. It was that perfect. Future days of misery seem easier to face with this day in my memory. I can’t even adequately describe it. Trying to just leads me to sentences that can’t capture even half as amazing as this day was. All I can say is if you were there, you know exactly how wonderful it was. To bask in the sunshine and feel totally, absolutely, and completely happy is a feeling you just can’t describe properly. It is like trying to describe colors to a blind person, or music to a deaf person. I feel like this quote sums up this process of trying to describe happiness to a miserable person:
“Happiness is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it, but only you can feel it.”
It may be a rather weird way of putting it, but if you think about it, it is absolutely true. Anyway, I hope these sunny days just keep coming and that I can spend them with people who are just as incredible as the friends I spent today with.

Love with all my heart,

Miss M

Sunshine and Smiles

Victoria and I decided to take advantage of the beautiful weather and soak up a little sun....I just wish the warm weather would stick around a little longer. It was so cold today that I actually had to wear a sweatshirt! Sweatshirts in March? Unheard of in California. Okay, maybe not. But still, it is sooo much warmer at home. I absolutely can't wait to go home for summer. I miss my family, my house, my bed, my mom's cooking, sleeping in late, the ocean, friends, driving around for no reason, and not having any schoolwork to worry about. I am beginning to forget how to love school, to simply enjoy learning. I am more than ready for a break. For now at least, I have the hope of more sunshine this week and the company of this wonderfully beautiful friend:




Thank goodness the sunshine gives us a reason to smile!!!

Boys With Girlfriends

Everyone wants what they can't have...right? I really like this song, and looked up the music video out of curiosity. Well, I think this music video is semi-hilarious. Everytime the guy's "girlfriend" popped up, I had to laugh. Wish every girlfriend looked like that because then the rest of us single ladies would start lookin pretty dang good. ha.

Joga Bonito

So I just realized that I have never talked about soccer on this blog. Which is incredibly weird because it used to be my life. A little more than a year ago, my life was: eat, sleep, play soccer, repeat(with a little studying thrown in for more hectic-ness). Anyway, I loved it. I still do. But I no longer have time for it to be the focus of my life. My energy is no longer expended on the beautiful game of eleven versus eleven for a 45-45 game. Instead, my energy has started going to making my jeans not fit, to studying for stupid tests, to worrying about boys, to building lasting friendships. And yes, of course these things are important, and yes I absolutely love my life right now. But every now and then I get thinking and….sometimes, I feel like this giant hole has been left where soccer used to be. It was such a big part of my life that without it, I sometimes feel like I am missing a part of myself, one that I left behind when I became a college student.
Today, when we played our intramural game, it felt so good to touch the ball, to be a part of a team, to push a girl down because that ball was MINE(and it didn’t hurt that we won 3-1). I connected with that old passion, that old fire, and it felt wonderful. I wish I could live it, breath it, and step into my favorite version of myself everyday: the one that is one-quarter of an inch taller in cleats. When I step onto that field, I want to win so bad it hurts, I want to tear every opponent to pieces, and most of all I want to play beautifully. Joga Bonito. Play beautifully. This is the message I take from soccer into my world today. Because Joga Bonito doesn’t just apply to soccer, it applies to life. And if I can do that, if I can live beautifully, then I am truly living.

Good Game!

Miss M

Dance in the Rain

This has to be one of my favorite quotes ever, and I really want to live by it:

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed
to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and
you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or
maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is
flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely,
and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the
fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back.

I Am that I Am.

I am
therefore
happy.
the unattainable
for some
comes as naturally
as breathing.
In. Out. Happy.
I think. I speak.
most important:
I exist
to do nothing
is still something
to be
be happy
that is the ultimate achievement.
I am.

All dressed up. with nowhere to go.

Okay, so maybe I am not dressed up. Fine. I admit it: I am in my baggy sweat pants and an undershirt sitting at home, and far from dressed up. But I must admit I look good, or at least better than usual. It is just one of those days where my hair and makeup come together just right to make me a fine specimen of a woman. haha. Not to sound conceited, but I know I am beautiful. I was raised knowing it. My mother and my father raised me with the confidence to know who I am, and to know where I came from. They told me, “You are beautiful,” and despite their parental bias, I believed them. And so, as a product of this nurturing environment, I grew up loving myself. I realize that that may sound egotistical, but the truth is everyone needs to have a certain amount of self-love just to function. This concept of self-love has been discussed by many prominent physchologists, including Dr. Mary Pipher(who wrote Reviving Ophelia, the book that convinced me to be homeschooled). Without loving yourself, you really don't have the ability to truly love others. And I know for an absolute fact that I love others. I love my family. I love my friends. I love Jesus. And yes, I love you; the person reading this.
Now, without the nurturing environment that I grew up in, my confidence in myself has been tested. When you have the assurances of everyone around you, it is easy to be yourself, to believe in yourself. But like a little bird leaving the nest, I am testing my wings now. I guess I have discovered that I do like flying. But that doesn’t mean I don’t fall.
You know you love me.

XOXO,

Miss M

As a quick side note, here is one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite books:

She personally thought that the only reason most girls put up with most boys was because they needed reassurance that they were pretty. That was one thing, maybe the only thing, Lena knew about herself without reassurance. –Sisterhood of Traveling Pants

Cuppy Cakes

I have had an epiphany of sorts. An epiphany that requires your feedback, my wonderful readers. I have officially decided to drop out of school to open cupcake shop. Forget any other career dreams or ambitions I have. Disregard all the work I have done to get this far. Why should I have to learn about the phospholipid bilayer or the sum of torque? I don’t need those things to make cupcakes. Cupcakes are simple. They don’t talk back, you hardly ever fail, and they almost always taste sweet in the end. Plus who doesn’t love a big, fluffy cupcake with just the right amount of frosting? I was privileged enough to taste one of these heavenly delights at the MOA café today. If I had my own cupcake shop I could cater parties and weddings, or just stop the lovely passerby with some tempting delights.
I could call it “With Sprinkles on Top,” which of course would be written on cutesy pink cursive on a black overhanging sign outside my cutesy shop.
While I am on this entrepreneurial(which I spelled correctly on the first try)kick, I have an even better idea than an ordinary cupcake shop. What if instead of just selling cupcakes we sold….drum roll, please: couture lingerie. It would be like a Victoria’s Secret for the upper class, and those wanting higher quality lingerie. In the store, it would feel like a fairly ordinary lingerie store, except a little bit ritzier. And there would be employees walking around selling you cupcakes at the same time. Of course there would be a back area for those who just wanted to enjoy the cakes, without all the (bra) cups in the way. I would call it “Cakes.” natch.
What do you think? Would you invest in my business?

Sweetly yours,

Miss M

Before Happily Ever After

Its that movie moment
right before
boy meets girl
the boy is too stupid
the girl is too ugly
both miserable
until they find
each other
It's the Hollywood equation
for perfect happiness.
I wonder
is it real?

Fresh Snow

The snow
delicately clings
to the tiny branches
of every tree
already melting
when I wake
peek out the window
the breathtaking beauty
has already faded
just like the feeling
of perfect ease
that had settled in me
all yesterday.

Deep Breaths and Giant Leaps

The smell of rain
breathe deep
wash away
the awful fear
and smell
of the most hated building here.
I tried to walk the line
but it was crooked
and there were places
I had to jump
eventually
I made my own way
without the comfort
of the line to guide me

Listen

I wrote this poem while I was listening to one of my favorite songs.


I own myself

Sitting here
enveloped by
my own silence.
l listen to
the chatterings,
and the voice in my ears,
singing a calming melody.
I try to realize
everything will be fine,
just out of grasp
that perfectly calm feeling,
instead my stomach tingles,
I listen to
my own silence
and somehow manage
to feel okay.
Go my own way.

When I grow up...

I probably won't meet a McSteamy but a girl can dream can't she?


So ever since I was little I have answered the question, "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" With a simple short answer: "Iwannabeadoctor." It rolls off my tongue so fast you would think they were some of my first words. I wrote about the experience of redefining this statement in all my college entrance essays. And although college entrance essays are probably not a typical place to go through the process of self-discovery, it's exactly what happened to me. Yes, it may seem like those essays are usually full of insincere BS that is stuffed with big, long, multisyllable words to make the entrance committess melt, but sometimes the process of writing about yourself can be enlightening.
Through these essays I realized a small but important distinction. Now, instead of “Iwannabeadoctor” I say: “I want to practice medicine.” Because practicing medicine is a lot more difficult, and a lot more important that getting your M.D. Practicing medicine means healing. Healing lives completely; on a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual level. It means seeing patients as people, instead of cases. It means being compassionate enough to take the time to care for each person, to realize the potential you have to change lives.
So what does this mean for my future career? It means I have broadened the spectrum considerably. Doctors are not the only ones who practice medicine, I could end up being a public health official, a midwife, a physical therapist, a chiropractor, or a naturopath. In the end, it won’t really matter what I do, what matters is that I care.
I hope all this future talk isn't boring you all too much...it's just what's been on my mind lately.

Regards from a forward thinker,

Miss M

The Decision to Grow Up

I never signed up for growing up. But I guess it happened. I kinda hoped that maybe Peter Pan would sprinkle me with some fairy dust and I could stay in happy go lucky little kid land forever. I mean I still ask for crayons and a kids menu to color at restaurants! I would much rather go play at the park with a boy then have him take me to some overpriced fancy dancy restaurant. And if I could have nap time every single day, I totally would. Clearly, I am not made for the grown up world. But I guess life just isn't fair. Sometimes things are thrown at you that you just didn't want or expect. One day we all look up at the mirror and realize that we are older than we act. And then there are those other days we look in the mirror and realize we are adults who have to make adult decisions. Unfortunately, there is no single defining moment that decides your transition from adolescence to adult. There is no huge banner that reads: Welcome to Adulthood! Instead growing up is a process, a continual process that doesn't end when you turn 18 or 21 or ever really. There is that one saying that says, "Growing old isn't a choice. Growing up is." Although there is a lot of truth to this statement, there is a certain amount of falseness contained in it too. Because the truth of it is all of us have to put on our big boy or big girl pants at some point and suck it up. We all have to make grown up decisions. Ultimately, the only thing we can do is make these decisions with maturity,confidence, and a healthy dose of understanding. Most of these decisions boil down to choosing responsibility over fun. Ugh. What an innately boring word: responsibility. But that's what we do in grown up world, we choose responsibility. And when, everything is said and done, we are supposed to be happy that we chose long term happiness over immediate gratification.

Regards from a legal adult,

Miss M

P.S. I just want to say that I love all you readers out there! Yes, I love you. I truly do. Even if you are simply stopping by. :)

do I?

You.
you hold my heart
in your hand and
I let you.
thats how much
I care for you.
do I love you?
the question stands
still.
awaiting my answer
but before I open
my mouth and
utter three words,
eight letters
your hand.
closes around my heart,
squeezing the syllables
out of me
I gasp and run away
heartless.
You.

Wait. But Don't Stop.

I filter the sunlight
through my lashes,
my feet bouncing
to the song in my head.
smiling,
just to smile
even at the stranger
walkin with his eyes down,
but somehow I know:
it will all work out!
as an unknown exhilaration
beats in my heart
in time with the song.

Just Haven't Met You Yet

My mom shared this with me on facebook, and I thought I would share with you too! I absolutely-lutely love it! I think these lines might just turn into my new mantra:

I Might Have To Wait
I'll Never Give Up
I Guess It's Half Timing
And The Other Half's Luck
Wherever You Are
Whenever It's Right
You Come Out Of Nowhere And Into My Life

So true. Don’t you agree? To me, this song doesn’t just give me a better perspective on love, but on life in general too. The truth is most things in life are half timing and half luck. I just wish I had a little bit more luck. I could really use it in the testing center. ha. I guess in the grand scheme of things one test, or even two tests, really don’t matter. What really matters is how you live each day, from moment to moment. Maybe the key to happiness isn’t found in what grade you get, or how good you look, or how big your house is. Maybe the key to happiness is simply the determination to be happy. So right now, today, I am determining to be happy. And with this newfound determination I face the world, knowing that I might have to wait but I’ll never give up.

Sending you some luck,

Miss M

Don't Just say No

The clouds grey
the air cold
should I stay?
Or should i?should I?
turn around.
a sign reads no U turn
it just makes me wanna,
wanna turn around
that much more
thats how much refusing me
just makes me want it more
so dont.
dont refuse me.

First Phone Post

So this is my first post from my phone! I just signed up for mobile blogger...how cool is that? And the best part? It costs nothing. Nada. Free. Gratis. Technology these days is pretty much astounding.

For: YOU

My mom and I feeling on top of the Rock in NYC.

Hmmm. I feel as if I should write some grand thoughts on love or something akin to that since it was Valentine's this past weekend and I haven't written anything dedicated to the day of love yet. Instead of writing some profound thing about love and life and lessons, I'd like to share with you a poem I wrote when I was about 12 that I dedicated to my mother because of all she's done for me. But truly this poem goes out to everyone who helped make me who I am today. I think it makes a statement about love that even the most profound paragraph would have a hard time competing with.

For You
Love is like
a blanket,
warm
comforting
You can
have it
give it
share it
I like to throw it to you
and if you catch it
don’t throw it back,
pass it to the next person.

I stitched this quilt
myself with
My hands
You gave me these hands.
I picked each cloth by hand
and made the colorful reams of fabric
Into something
Just like you,
made me
Into someone,
I love you.
thank you
For you

A belated Happy Valentine's Day to all of you out there! I hope you spent it with someone(or many people) you love. I love LOVE..in each and every one of its forms.

In case you have not had enough:

Love and kisses from,

Miss M

Little Letters

These are just some of the people I love. My roomates outside of my home away from home.

Okay, okay. I know I promised more Valentine's gooeyness. But I thought this would be a cute way to express my love for some dear people in my life. I got the idea from rockstar diaries, if you haven't read it check out the blogs I follow.

Dear Sun:

Why are you always playing hide and seek with me? At least you decided to come out and shine for a little while in the afternoon today. That made me happy, but in the future you need to show your face more often.

Dear Boots:

Oh how I love the way you keep my feet warm in these cold winter months. Thank goodness Mom thought to send you to me.

Dear Testing Center:

I despise you. It's true. You are intimidating, you smell, and you make me cry.

Dear Soccer Ball:

I am sorry I don't play with you as much anymore. I wish I could but it's too cold and I have no time. I know: excuses, excuses.

Dear Jodi:

It's always good to talk to you. Listening is an acquired skill. And so is a good sense of humor. Well maybe that just comes naturally. Thanks for laughing with me(and sometimes at me).

Dear Toilet Paper:

Why do you run out so quickly? I swear I just changed your roll a couple hours ago. Maybe we should all use less of you.

Dear Ashton:

Your'e pretty. :) Pretty awesome. You always give the most comforting hugs. When I feel like I'm gonna cry I come find you.

Dear Family:

I can't wait to see you tommorrow. I didn't think my little body could miss you this much.

Dear Victoria:

I am so happy we are friends. Let's stay that way. It's fun to giggle with you. A lot. Thanks for letting your sunny disposition rub off on me.

Dear Boy:

I thought that since now we are all grown up you would stop acting like we are in 3rd grade. I guess I was wrong. I wish that day when you turn to me and realize how beautiful I am would hurry up and get here already.

Dear Vegetables:

I am sorry you don't taste better. I just don't like salad that much. Maybe you could be so kind and start tasting better, more like candy.

Dear Kristi:

All I need to say is I love you. Friend to friend. Please remember how beautiful, sassy, smart, and confident you are. Oh, and thanks for the free music. I really really like Backseat Goodbye.

Dear Sleep:

I am sorry I don't get enough of you. There's this thing called college that has been interfering lately. But I still love you just as much.

Dear Vending Machine:

Please please stop tempting me with those deliciously scrumptious Strawberry Shortcake ice cream bars. They are going straight to my hips.

Dear World:

Thanks for listening. I am glad I can send out my thoughts into your space without judgment.

Lots of love,

Miss M

The Hidden Magic of the 5th Floor

I have been studying for so long that most of my brain has been fried by all the physics I have been cramming up there. So, I am allowing myself a few minutes to sit and contemplate and blurb my thoughts out.
Definition: blurb(verb)-to spew forth random thoughts onto paper, or computer screen
So there’s this myth about the 5th floor of the BYU library that only attractive people come up here to study. So far two unattractive “people” and one attractive “person” have sat across from me today and I have now been here for 5 hours. Notice my use of quotes around people and person to denote the male sex…haha. Anyhow this elusive magic of the 5th floor being the place to meet people has completely escaped me. There are no “people” bugging me for my number or even flirting in the least bit. Maybe my powers to charm have faded significantly. I haven’t tried the come hither smile yet..but then again my version of that turns out to be a variation of a grimace. What makes a person attractive to another person anyway? There are so many different definitions of the word beautiful these days that it is hard to say. Besides, attraction between two people can happen with a significant lack of physical appeal. Seems to me either there is chemistry or there isn’t.
Hmm….maybe I can come up with some sort of theorization about the mystery of chemistry(ooh onomanopoeia).
I think chemistry occurs between people for one of two reasons:
A. You both think the other person is physically attractive(upon meeting you think: “hottie!”.
B. Two people spend an inordinate amount of time together. They talk a lot. They laugh a lot. In short, they become good friends. After spending time together they realize that the other person is actually more attractive than their original evaluation.
C. One person is in category A and the other person falls into category B, since the B person eventually comes around, they end up happy.
D. One person starts at category A and the other person falls into category E(see below) which leaves person A crying into their pillow every night, and person E with someone else.
E. This person looks at the other person, and thinks to themselves “well, there’s a face only a mother could love.”
So there’s my Theory of Attraction. Notice that it’s attraction, not love, which is an entirely different matter that is much more complicated. I realize it’s not flawless, and truthfully it’s probably much more theory than fact. How much you decide is the truth is up to you.

The Subject of Every Girl's Infatuation

Boys. Boys. Boys.
What more is there to say? All you need to add is an eye roll and the girl next to you on the bus understands exactly what you mean. At what point do they stop having cooties? Maybe it started happening in second grade or so, when the boy at the top of the slide pushed you down and you suddenly realized that you didn’t spontaneously combust at his touch. Or maybe it happened later, at lunch when he offered to share his chocolate pudding with you, and you let him. Either way, all of us broke down at some point and decided to let them in to our lives.
When we start getting older there is some mythical defining moment in which the boy becomes a man. But us girls know the secret: they never really grow up. And maybe, just maybe this is why we love them, because without them we would have no one to grow old with, no shoulder to cry on, and no threat of spontaneous combustion with one touch. The hard part is finding that one boy who makes you melt, and some of us will spend our whole lives searching for true love, while others will marry someone they knew since diapers. So we go through this tiresome, sometimes embarrassing, occasionally fun process of dating, testing out what we like, and what we don’t. It ends up being a lot like trying flavors in an ice cream parlor. Even though you may only get a sample spoonful, you know right then and there whether you like it or not. Some boys are like pistachio ice cream, it looks weird, even though it might taste good we never think to try it because, well, face it: it’s green. Others are like banana splits: they are every girl's fantasy, but maybe they end up being a little overrated or just too much. We try out all these flavors, and then it happens! We find the exact right one, the flavor that fits. The process of tasting and testing is over, and though we might end up with a lot of sample spoons in our hand, it’s all worth it for this one magical flavor.
True. This may be a very romantic notion. And I am a self-proclaimed romantic...stuffed full of Jane Austen and Charlotte Bronte, and raised on Chick Flicks. But I would like to believe in the concept of love, and heck who doesn't want to believe it?

Anyway, it's been two blog posts in one day...which hopefully isn't too much for you dear readers. However, I did cheat a little bit and wrote this quite a while ago. This will be my first installment of several on love, relationships, and all the other gooeyness that makes up Valentine's Day.

Hugs and Kisses to all!

Miss M

The Red Balloon

A balloon floating
High in the sky
the red balloon
tied to the black string
holding tightly to
the girl
She looks up
staring
wondering
realizing
How thin the string is
How far the balloon is
She feels
strangly empty
crying inside
her heart cracks
Where did the girl go?
The one who smiles.
laughs.
runs.
dives into life.
vivacity unmatched.
She looks up
and finds her.


Feel Free to interpret however you wish...but you would probably be surprised about the inspiration. Maybe I will reveal it if you bug me enough. Or since, at this point I know all of my followers in person, just ask me. ha...the advantages of being a new blogger I guess. I really should post more often. hmmm another thing to add to the ever growing list of Chinese New Year resolutions.

TTFN.

Miss M

Contemplation

A new beginning. The first step on a journey. A fresh page. This first entry is a lot like the first speaker, it sets the tone. As a rule, the first speaker should be good, but not so good that the bar is set too high for those following. Therefore, this post will hopefully hold your attention long enough to at least read its entirety, and hopefully leave you wanting more.

I sit here in the dark huddled underneath cozy blankets and bathed in the light radiating from my laptop screen. I am the picture of the classic college girl, with my earphones in, a computer in my lap, frizzy hair, and a look in my eyes that can only be aquired by staring at a computer screen for far too long. 12:30am. Contemplating sleep.

Contemplating: My life is nothing if not seemingly ordinary. I find myself wondering who will actually take a moment to read my random thoughts on life. But I guess that is exactly what Anne Frank thought when she wrote her diary, and she has now been capitulated to stardom, or perhaps more appropriately, martyrdom. However, I must offer the disclaimer that it is not my intention to achieve fame through this blog. Rather, it is a place for my thoughts to go. Instead of wandering around aimlessly through space, my thoughts will be contained for a brief moment on this page. Thoughts that come in many a form, sometimes dreams, hopes, opinions, sometimes poems or pictures, oftentimes a random blur of ideas. My mind offers nothing but musings, though I am anything but a muse.

Bye for now,

Miss M