Wednesday, July 22, 2015

What does it mean to love?

This is the giant question that beats through my heart and mind and being on a regular basis.
There was a time that I would have not liked to admit it, but I was a borderline obsessive romantic.
I read and reread every Marriage and Love and Romance and Dating general conference talk I could get my sweaty palms on.
I told my roommates on an almost daily basis, "You guys, this could be the day. This could be the day I meet my soul mate." 
I perused my copy of Pride and Prejudice every few months. Watched the movie at least once a month, and fell asleep to "Hero" by Enrique Iglesias.
I wrote letters to my Future Husband and cried in bed when I woke up alone, feeling that I could only be one half of a love story by myself, and that was all I could ever amount to until I found "the ONE."
And then I discovered all of that was more or less bull shit.
Ok, maybe it wasn't that dramatic or brutal and maybe I still do have a little leftover romantic in my heart.
BUT. I have lived a little since then. I have loved a lot. And I have realized a few things.
What I always imagined love to be was this giant hole you dropped down into a magical land of rainbows, unicorns, and happy little golden tandem bicycles where you ate lollipops and snuggled with puppies and your sweetheart all day long. HAHA. Good joke.
So that's not exactly what I have experienced now. Not quite.
I am glad it's not the way I pictured it all along because if it were that easy, it would not be as beautiful.
I believe that part of the beauty of loving someone is the choice it is to love them.
I don't think it is ever not a choice.
What I thought love was before I had known it personally was possession, belonging, and companionship. Those are things that can be brought by a relationship, but those things are not love.
Love is about letting go. It is letting go of your ideas and preconceived notions about what that person should or should not be. It is about letting the other person be who they are, and encouraging them to be more than they believe themselves to be. It is about supporting what is best for them, even if what is best for them is not you. It is allowing for change, for openness, for total sacrifice of self.

ALWAYS THE QUESTION HUH?????????????????????????????????????
my viscous blood
through my stone hardened heart
for you.
my body still cries at night
from the absence of your touch.
and my ears still ring
with the words you never whispered.
somehow I am alive
though every portion of my existence
was founded on your presence.
if I listen through the pipes
it may reach me.
hey world still here