Smiling through the Farewell

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This is it.
the bittersweet ending
of goodbye,
leaves tears on my face,
warmth in my heart,
for the memories we felt.
the Truth may be
that we forget what we did
but we will always remember
the friends
we spent life's simple moments with.
the thing is:
life is not about grand gestures,
it's about little kindnesses.
To be perfectly honest:
I am not ready to let go.
And yet somehow I walk on.
step by step.
and manage to smile.

Looking for Ripples

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I am ready. to jump. I am.
simply waiting,
for someone to hold my hand
as I look into the deep end.
Meanwhile,
I wade into the shallow end, splashing,
smiling.
but still waiting,
always glancing to the other side,
of the nearly endless mirror
wanting to see the little ripples
that this moment will create,
when he arrives.
For now,
I will smile. I will.

The Reality of Morning

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When I awoke
I cried
seeing that you
were already gone.
I missed
your breath
on my hair,
your gaze
on my face,
your touch
on my bare skin.
But when I left
the perfect warmth
of my bed,
I wondered,
If you had ever really been there?

Soul Mates!

found this here

I met my soul mate today. It was pretty awesome. Yup, I am officially in love. Okay, fine, so maybe I didn’t exactly meet him. He walked by my table at the library, and well, we didn’t really meet, but I definitely imagined us meeting and …wow! whew! I get outta breath just thinking about how perfect he was. If we end up getting married and after five years he starts getting ugly and mean, I am pretty sure I could still put up with him based on the memory of those first five years of absolute beauty. But instead of us actually meeting, I followed him with my eyes and seriously, seriously considered stalking him but figured it would be counterproductive to getting any studying for finals done. blah. Stupid schoolwork. Studying for biology may have just ruined my chances of ever meeting my soul mate.

Here are some of the best lines from one of my favorite movies:

Girl: Do you believe in fate?
Guy: No.
Girl: See neither do I! We were meant to be.

ahaha! But, seriously, if you wake up every day and say to yourself, "Today I could meet my soul mate." It is pretty good motivation to look your best everyday. Of course, there is the chance that this policy could back fire, because on the one day you look like crap you are going to meet him/her that day, at least that's what Victoria always tells me.

Family

Last weekend(Easter's) I was able to spend time with my family. I love them. I guess you never know what you got til it’s gone. I certainly have learned that saying the hard way this first year apart from them. There is no better place to be than with my family, no matter where we are or what we are doing, we have the most fun when we are together. As we were catching up, I was telling my mom about what great friends I have made here at BYU, and she asked me, “But are you yourself with them?”

I replied, “Of course I am.”

The thing is, I am myself, but there are still some inhibitions. Even amongst my best friends there still must be an element of social awareness that leaves us with a small, thin wall in a relationship. Some might refer to this as a “personal bubble” but it extends further than the concept of personal space to things such as what you say, what you do, and in general how you act. When I am with my best friends I say most of what I am thinking, I mean, obviously not every mundane thought but a lot of my thoughts. In my family, I hold back even less, keeping only the most private, or most mundane thoughts in my head and saying many stupid, harsh and sometimes inappropriate things. Maybe it is because I trust them to love me even when I am being a brat. Since I know that they will still be there for me no matter what I do, I end up being more bratty around them. So to answer the question, “Are you yourself?”

Yes I am. But I am a lot nicer version of myself around my friends. I can’t remember the last time I argued with someone. I hardly ever get angry. And I have learned that things get done whether they are done my way or not. Sometimes, I even go out of my way to make someone else’s day go better. Hopefully, I can hold onto some of this niceness as I return to my family for the summer. I’ll try to remember that my family, the people I love and adore the most, are the ones who deserve the most respect and kindness.

Here is a little shout out to them since I don't get to talk about them as often as I would like, maybe after reading this you will get a small glimpse into exactly why I love them all so much:

Dad-He is the rock of the family, the one who is always there, always listening, and always cares. Somehow, he knows exactly what to say, and how to say it to make you feel better. If you don't know him you could mistake him for quiet but he really is witty, funny, and just plain goofy(see picture). In addition to being a good listener, giving excellent advice, and having an awesome sense of humor, he is the best father and husband anyone could ask for and is one of the most Christlike people I know. This is somewhat ironic since he does not believe in Christ and is not Mormon like the rest of my (immediate) family. We like to call him a closet Mormon because he is so completely supportive that he is practically a member. He likes to say that Mormons don't have a monopoly on the nice people in the world. My dad is definitely proof of that.

Mom-The second half to the marriage that I most admire in the world. There is a quote from The Office that Pam says, "When you are a kid you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are gonna be right." My parents' kids(me and my sibs) are right because our parents are soulmates. I love my Mom. She is one of my best friends, and closest confidantes. I admire many of her qualities: her generosity of spirit, her outgoing nature, her resourcefulness, and (dare I say it) bluntness. My mom isn't afraid to speak her mind, or share her big heart. When she wants something done, she gets it done. If I can grow up to be half the person and mother she is, I will have accomplished a lot in this life.

Calen-My first brother, and one of the most mature 14(almost 15) year old boys that I know. I tell people all the time it seems like my brother grew up in a day. My mother often says that he came out of the womb and looked like a man. He towers over me not only in height, but in many other things as well, especially his conscientiousness. I am proud to be the older sister to such a worthy, righteous young man. Besides being super mature and also super smart(Calculus in 9th grade-for real!) he is also super funny and I like to say that he has a "sarcastic accent" because he is basically sarcastic all the time. Plus, he has the amazing talent of being able to quote almost the entirety of Nacho Libre, only one of the best movies of all time.

Alden-He's the one who was supposed a girl, but turned out too cute and wonderful to be disappointing in the least bit. His greatest ambition in life is to be a CEO with a blonde trophy wife(maybe someone who looks like this) and too many kids to fit into a Lamborghini. He is full of life and lights up every room he walks into, and like the rest of my family he is also super silly and we like to joke around a lot together. I think out of all of us siblings, he probably has some of the best people skills, and he really will do well in business.

Alena-She is my favorite sister. Really, she is everyone's favorite. As the youngest of the family, she has been privileged to be spoiled with loads of love and attention. Alena is so so beautiful, inside and out and I like to tell her this everyday, even when she get's annoyed by it. I waited so long for a sister, but wow! was she worth the wait. Around the dinner table, she is probably the quietest, but she definitely laughs at least as loud as the rest of us. Her sweetness, her cuddliness, and her sassiness all make her completely endearing to the whole family. Like all of my siblings she usually has her head stuck in some kind of fantasy book (usually with light bursting forth from an unknown source on the cover) like this one. I often feel that out of all of us, she has maintained that sweet, innocent spirit that we are given at birth; she really does have such a pure soul. I can't wait to get a million hugs from her when I get home in a couple of weeks.

I love you family! Hope you enjoy this post.

Many Hugs and Kisses,

Miss M

Squishy Shoes

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Ballet flats
soaked through
wet jeans
rain spattered
sweatshirt
at least
when I run out crying
it will mask the tears that fall
down my stoic face.

A Daydream Deferred

Today
light as air
weightless
no care
for anything
do I dare?
to jump in—
but: Life’s not fair.
the second grade lesson
from trial and error,
Today it is easy,
so I smile
as if I am there.