Interference

wake up late
rise slowly
and step to
solid ground
grey carpets, piles of clothes.
no more--luxury linens or peeled grapes.
you, with your soft gaze
and earnest touch,
only permitted
in Neverland.
Presently, a slim chance,
all a very unlikely probability,
defying every risk assessment--
exists, just barely.
Possibility.
The ultimate hopeful word,
and the seizing of it leads
to a much worse outcome:
Disappointment.
You tell me which it will be.
Truth is: you never left my
unconscious thought.
Sneaking into dreams
and drifting mind days.
I want to say--
so much.
But I swallow the words,
pushing you back to illusion
and clinging to the inevitability
of disappointment.
All I ask is that you let it sink in.
No more interference.

Do I?

My tears fall,
soul full
crying
From each beauty--
heartbreaking.
Each day, a gift of freedom
grace returns to unstretched legs.
A new chance to prove
the impossibilities wrong.
Dream again
hope fuller in my heart.
The butterfly that once rested
on my shoulder returns.
Rip the pages from my diary
hidden sadness extinguished.
Only the fire of true love burns now.
Pure and sweet
reach for the fruit,
finally conquering the simple.
Dare to eat a peach.

Grasping for Definition

There is beauty in differences

no standard definition

fill in the bubble answer

for beautiful

so why oh why?

are we all trying so hard to measure up

to

something we can't even begin

to

define.

This is just something I thought of the other day, looking around at a lot of the girls and women in the world today, it is so sad how inadequate a lot of them feel. If we could all remember that we are all daughters of Heavenly Father, and will always be beautiful in His eyes, the world really would be a better place. And yes, there is importance in thinking "I am a daughter of God," but there is also a great importance in thinking, "Each and every person on this whole earth is a Child of God." If we could all remember that, there would be so much more love and light on this earth, and so much more happiness.

Just a little food for thought,

Miss M

It' mine.

It's always

relationship, evolving, dissolving

in a final crash

only left with the broken

pieces of a heart.

I want my whole heart.

It's mine.

So here's the game plan:

Let's be friends.

A friendship revolving is reliable.

Reliable.

Sure, there's no jumping--

less excitement, a lower risk quotient.

You might be fooled into thinking less fun.

Except guess what?

I am okay. Just myself. By myself.

And I still have my own whole heart.

Dear Blogging World:

I write to you now, as I finally reflect on the absence of posts that these summer months have brought on. It is not that I have forgotten you, simply that I have currently stepped back into my own little cocoon. My home, family, the nearest and the dearest. The way the squirrels chase each other back and forth across the branches of the oak tree outside my bedroom window. Sunshine on my back and face, falling across my body like a warming caress. Deep breaths in and out, the serenity of the smell of earth through my head. Wisdom from my Babu, giggles from my favorite little one, smiles and kisses and love.

This is what I live for. What we all live for: Love.

To love and be loved. God is love. And that is our purpose: to return to our Father on High, and present him with the greatest stories of love we have the power to create now. The most beautiful, least selfish act in the world. This is my existence. My own: I am that I am. And this is what I send out into the world from my heart, because it can certainly carry a lot of love.

Create your own story, and make sure you include the important characters.

Joyfully yours,

Miss M

Smiling through the Farewell

image via here

This is it.
the bittersweet ending
of goodbye,
leaves tears on my face,
warmth in my heart,
for the memories we felt.
the Truth may be
that we forget what we did
but we will always remember
the friends
we spent life's simple moments with.
the thing is:
life is not about grand gestures,
it's about little kindnesses.
To be perfectly honest:
I am not ready to let go.
And yet somehow I walk on.
step by step.
and manage to smile.

Looking for Ripples

image via here

I am ready. to jump. I am.
simply waiting,
for someone to hold my hand
as I look into the deep end.
Meanwhile,
I wade into the shallow end, splashing,
smiling.
but still waiting,
always glancing to the other side,
of the nearly endless mirror
wanting to see the little ripples
that this moment will create,
when he arrives.
For now,
I will smile. I will.

The Reality of Morning

photo via here

When I awoke
I cried
seeing that you
were already gone.
I missed
your breath
on my hair,
your gaze
on my face,
your touch
on my bare skin.
But when I left
the perfect warmth
of my bed,
I wondered,
If you had ever really been there?

Family

Last weekend(Easter's) I was able to spend time with my family. I love them. I guess you never know what you got til it’s gone. I certainly have learned that saying the hard way this first year apart from them. There is no better place to be than with my family, no matter where we are or what we are doing, we have the most fun when we are together. As we were catching up, I was telling my mom about what great friends I have made here at BYU, and she asked me, “But are you yourself with them?”

I replied, “Of course I am.”

The thing is, I am myself, but there are still some inhibitions. Even amongst my best friends there still must be an element of social awareness that leaves us with a small, thin wall in a relationship. Some might refer to this as a “personal bubble” but it extends further than the concept of personal space to things such as what you say, what you do, and in general how you act. When I am with my best friends I say most of what I am thinking, I mean, obviously not every mundane thought but a lot of my thoughts. In my family, I hold back even less, keeping only the most private, or most mundane thoughts in my head and saying many stupid, harsh and sometimes inappropriate things. Maybe it is because I trust them to love me even when I am being a brat. Since I know that they will still be there for me no matter what I do, I end up being more bratty around them. So to answer the question, “Are you yourself?”

Yes I am. But I am a lot nicer version of myself around my friends. I can’t remember the last time I argued with someone. I hardly ever get angry. And I have learned that things get done whether they are done my way or not. Sometimes, I even go out of my way to make someone else’s day go better. Hopefully, I can hold onto some of this niceness as I return to my family for the summer. I’ll try to remember that my family, the people I love and adore the most, are the ones who deserve the most respect and kindness.

Here is a little shout out to them since I don't get to talk about them as often as I would like, maybe after reading this you will get a small glimpse into exactly why I love them all so much:

Dad-He is the rock of the family, the one who is always there, always listening, and always cares. Somehow, he knows exactly what to say, and how to say it to make you feel better. If you don't know him you could mistake him for quiet but he really is witty, funny, and just plain goofy(see picture). In addition to being a good listener, giving excellent advice, and having an awesome sense of humor, he is the best father and husband anyone could ask for and is one of the most Christlike people I know. This is somewhat ironic since he does not believe in Christ and is not Mormon like the rest of my (immediate) family. We like to call him a closet Mormon because he is so completely supportive that he is practically a member. He likes to say that Mormons don't have a monopoly on the nice people in the world. My dad is definitely proof of that.

Mom-The second half to the marriage that I most admire in the world. There is a quote from The Office that Pam says, "When you are a kid you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are gonna be right." My parents' kids(me and my sibs) are right because our parents are soulmates. I love my Mom. She is one of my best friends, and closest confidantes. I admire many of her qualities: her generosity of spirit, her outgoing nature, her resourcefulness, and (dare I say it) bluntness. My mom isn't afraid to speak her mind, or share her big heart. When she wants something done, she gets it done. If I can grow up to be half the person and mother she is, I will have accomplished a lot in this life.

Calen-My first brother, and one of the most mature 14(almost 15) year old boys that I know. I tell people all the time it seems like my brother grew up in a day. My mother often says that he came out of the womb and looked like a man. He towers over me not only in height, but in many other things as well, especially his conscientiousness. I am proud to be the older sister to such a worthy, righteous young man. Besides being super mature and also super smart(Calculus in 9th grade-for real!) he is also super funny and I like to say that he has a "sarcastic accent" because he is basically sarcastic all the time. Plus, he has the amazing talent of being able to quote almost the entirety of Nacho Libre, only one of the best movies of all time.

Alden-He's the one who was supposed a girl, but turned out too cute and wonderful to be disappointing in the least bit. His greatest ambition in life is to be a CEO with a blonde trophy wife(maybe someone who looks like this) and too many kids to fit into a Lamborghini. He is full of life and lights up every room he walks into, and like the rest of my family he is also super silly and we like to joke around a lot together. I think out of all of us siblings, he probably has some of the best people skills, and he really will do well in business.

Alena-She is my favorite sister. Really, she is everyone's favorite. As the youngest of the family, she has been privileged to be spoiled with loads of love and attention. Alena is so so beautiful, inside and out and I like to tell her this everyday, even when she get's annoyed by it. I waited so long for a sister, but wow! was she worth the wait. Around the dinner table, she is probably the quietest, but she definitely laughs at least as loud as the rest of us. Her sweetness, her cuddliness, and her sassiness all make her completely endearing to the whole family. Like all of my siblings she usually has her head stuck in some kind of fantasy book (usually with light bursting forth from an unknown source on the cover) like this one. I often feel that out of all of us, she has maintained that sweet, innocent spirit that we are given at birth; she really does have such a pure soul. I can't wait to get a million hugs from her when I get home in a couple of weeks.

I love you family! Hope you enjoy this post.

Many Hugs and Kisses,

Miss M

The Power of Together

Hold my hand,
she said.
but I wanna run,
he said, Looking up.
We'll run together.
so they grabbed hands
and ran
faster farther
than either could have gone
alone.

More on Sunshine

What is it about Sunshine? When it's sunny I can't help but be happy. Everything is brighter and more beautiful. It definitely gives you endorphins to soak up some Vitamin D every day. And we all know endorphins make people happy, and happy people just don't kill their husbands(reference to Legally Blonde). If I could pick an afternoon to relive everyday over and over like Bill Murray does in Groundhog Day, this afternoon would definitely be in the top place for the one I would pick. I am not saying that it was my favorite day out of all the many days I have lived in my relatively short life, I am just saying it’s pretty dang difficult to find any flaws in this day. It was that perfect. Future days of misery seem easier to face with this day in my memory. I can’t even adequately describe it. Trying to just leads me to sentences that can’t capture even half as amazing as this day was. All I can say is if you were there, you know exactly how wonderful it was. To bask in the sunshine and feel totally, absolutely, and completely happy is a feeling you just can’t describe properly. It is like trying to describe colors to a blind person, or music to a deaf person. I feel like this quote sums up this process of trying to describe happiness to a miserable person:
“Happiness is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it, but only you can feel it.”
It may be a rather weird way of putting it, but if you think about it, it is absolutely true. Anyway, I hope these sunny days just keep coming and that I can spend them with people who are just as incredible as the friends I spent today with.

Love with all my heart,

Miss M

do I?

You.
you hold my heart
in your hand and
I let you.
thats how much
I care for you.
do I love you?
the question stands
still.
awaiting my answer
but before I open
my mouth and
utter three words,
eight letters
your hand.
closes around my heart,
squeezing the syllables
out of me
I gasp and run away
heartless.
You.

Wait. But Don't Stop.

I filter the sunlight
through my lashes,
my feet bouncing
to the song in my head.
smiling,
just to smile
even at the stranger
walkin with his eyes down,
but somehow I know:
it will all work out!
as an unknown exhilaration
beats in my heart
in time with the song.

Just Haven't Met You Yet

My mom shared this with me on facebook, and I thought I would share with you too! I absolutely-lutely love it! I think these lines might just turn into my new mantra:

I Might Have To Wait
I'll Never Give Up
I Guess It's Half Timing
And The Other Half's Luck
Wherever You Are
Whenever It's Right
You Come Out Of Nowhere And Into My Life

So true. Don’t you agree? To me, this song doesn’t just give me a better perspective on love, but on life in general too. The truth is most things in life are half timing and half luck. I just wish I had a little bit more luck. I could really use it in the testing center. ha. I guess in the grand scheme of things one test, or even two tests, really don’t matter. What really matters is how you live each day, from moment to moment. Maybe the key to happiness isn’t found in what grade you get, or how good you look, or how big your house is. Maybe the key to happiness is simply the determination to be happy. So right now, today, I am determining to be happy. And with this newfound determination I face the world, knowing that I might have to wait but I’ll never give up.

Sending you some luck,

Miss M

Little Letters

These are just some of the people I love. My roomates outside of my home away from home.

Okay, okay. I know I promised more Valentine's gooeyness. But I thought this would be a cute way to express my love for some dear people in my life. I got the idea from rockstar diaries, if you haven't read it check out the blogs I follow.

Dear Sun:

Why are you always playing hide and seek with me? At least you decided to come out and shine for a little while in the afternoon today. That made me happy, but in the future you need to show your face more often.

Dear Boots:

Oh how I love the way you keep my feet warm in these cold winter months. Thank goodness Mom thought to send you to me.

Dear Testing Center:

I despise you. It's true. You are intimidating, you smell, and you make me cry.

Dear Soccer Ball:

I am sorry I don't play with you as much anymore. I wish I could but it's too cold and I have no time. I know: excuses, excuses.

Dear Jodi:

It's always good to talk to you. Listening is an acquired skill. And so is a good sense of humor. Well maybe that just comes naturally. Thanks for laughing with me(and sometimes at me).

Dear Toilet Paper:

Why do you run out so quickly? I swear I just changed your roll a couple hours ago. Maybe we should all use less of you.

Dear Ashton:

Your'e pretty. :) Pretty awesome. You always give the most comforting hugs. When I feel like I'm gonna cry I come find you.

Dear Family:

I can't wait to see you tommorrow. I didn't think my little body could miss you this much.

Dear Victoria:

I am so happy we are friends. Let's stay that way. It's fun to giggle with you. A lot. Thanks for letting your sunny disposition rub off on me.

Dear Boy:

I thought that since now we are all grown up you would stop acting like we are in 3rd grade. I guess I was wrong. I wish that day when you turn to me and realize how beautiful I am would hurry up and get here already.

Dear Vegetables:

I am sorry you don't taste better. I just don't like salad that much. Maybe you could be so kind and start tasting better, more like candy.

Dear Kristi:

All I need to say is I love you. Friend to friend. Please remember how beautiful, sassy, smart, and confident you are. Oh, and thanks for the free music. I really really like Backseat Goodbye.

Dear Sleep:

I am sorry I don't get enough of you. There's this thing called college that has been interfering lately. But I still love you just as much.

Dear Vending Machine:

Please please stop tempting me with those deliciously scrumptious Strawberry Shortcake ice cream bars. They are going straight to my hips.

Dear World:

Thanks for listening. I am glad I can send out my thoughts into your space without judgment.

Lots of love,

Miss M

The Subject of Every Girl's Infatuation

Boys. Boys. Boys.
What more is there to say? All you need to add is an eye roll and the girl next to you on the bus understands exactly what you mean. At what point do they stop having cooties? Maybe it started happening in second grade or so, when the boy at the top of the slide pushed you down and you suddenly realized that you didn’t spontaneously combust at his touch. Or maybe it happened later, at lunch when he offered to share his chocolate pudding with you, and you let him. Either way, all of us broke down at some point and decided to let them in to our lives.
When we start getting older there is some mythical defining moment in which the boy becomes a man. But us girls know the secret: they never really grow up. And maybe, just maybe this is why we love them, because without them we would have no one to grow old with, no shoulder to cry on, and no threat of spontaneous combustion with one touch. The hard part is finding that one boy who makes you melt, and some of us will spend our whole lives searching for true love, while others will marry someone they knew since diapers. So we go through this tiresome, sometimes embarrassing, occasionally fun process of dating, testing out what we like, and what we don’t. It ends up being a lot like trying flavors in an ice cream parlor. Even though you may only get a sample spoonful, you know right then and there whether you like it or not. Some boys are like pistachio ice cream, it looks weird, even though it might taste good we never think to try it because, well, face it: it’s green. Others are like banana splits: they are every girl's fantasy, but maybe they end up being a little overrated or just too much. We try out all these flavors, and then it happens! We find the exact right one, the flavor that fits. The process of tasting and testing is over, and though we might end up with a lot of sample spoons in our hand, it’s all worth it for this one magical flavor.
True. This may be a very romantic notion. And I am a self-proclaimed romantic...stuffed full of Jane Austen and Charlotte Bronte, and raised on Chick Flicks. But I would like to believe in the concept of love, and heck who doesn't want to believe it?

Anyway, it's been two blog posts in one day...which hopefully isn't too much for you dear readers. However, I did cheat a little bit and wrote this quite a while ago. This will be my first installment of several on love, relationships, and all the other gooeyness that makes up Valentine's Day.

Hugs and Kisses to all!

Miss M